The Things I Hear At Work

So I’m standing around at work, we do that a lot, when one of guys blurts out

“I was doing some “porn research” over the weekend and I swear to god I found a video of my ex gf getting gang banged by three black dudes.

Hey guys, who wants to see my ex gf get banged by three black guys?”

True story


They Call Him…CONEFUCKER!!!!

A few days ago @ArthurBarnhouse called me a small and spiteful man. Guess he was right. Happy 4th of July Patrick :

Note: To all those who’ve been asking, yes, this was consensual man-on-cone sex.

No cone’s were harmed in the filming of this video. One was smacked around a bit but Foy said the cone was into that  so I guess it’s cool.

Georgia Politics and The Logistics of Fucking a Mule

What the fuck kind of ship are they running down there in Georgia, where gubernatorial candidates are going around fucking mules ? Yes, I know he said he did it “in the past” when “he was young”. But once a mule fucker, always a mule fucker.

And I swear to god if this guy is against same gay marriage…

50 Reasons People Have Sex

Here’s the list our friends on How I Met Your Mother made when they were thinking of the many reasons people have sex:


Some of my personal favorites:

8.) Nothing good on TV
37) They have air conditioning and you don’t
40) Called/Texted the wrong person but he/she was willing anyways.
46) It’s getting a little hard

Seriously, read the whole list. Wait, better idea. Read the list with your girlfriend and use it as a reason to have sex! In the mean time here’s a few more I wrote that should be added to the list:

10. Twins!
9. Your girlfriend is crying and you think tears are the best lubricant.
8. Two words: Drunk Lesbian
7. Your ex girlfriend gets really turned on when she reads your blog (Hi Kryztal!)
6. She’s Mormon and she’s willing to let you do dirty things to her
5. Your girlfriend doesn’t want to which, lets be honest, just makes it that much more enjoyable
4. Its punish the wife night at the Gold house and tonight you’re getting anal
3. A feminist is offering you sexual favors in exchange for helping her with her paper
2. Making “How I Met Your Mother” the video with The Douche’s mom
1. Your name is Patrick Foy and you see an attractive road cone.

BBC: CIA Helping Afghanistan Warlords Get Laid

Finally my taxpayer dollars are being spent wisely.

This just goes to show that there’s no problem that can’t be solved
by getting laid :

According to the BBC, the CIA has come up with a suprisingly effective inducement to get information from warlords in Afghanistan. Viagra.

The younger tribal leaders know about the drug already, but the older chiefs often don’t, and for them, its a godsend. “In one case, a 60 year old warlord with four wives was given four pills and four days lated detailed Talibain movements in return for more.” says the BBC.

An agent involved in this trade went into more detail. The particular warlord was in his 60’s and had four younger wives. The pills were explained, and offered. Four days later, the agents say, “He came up to us beaming. He said “You are a great man.”

Only one question. As my friend Jesse Singal e-mails, “Is this hard power or soft power?”

The male penis. Bringing peace to the world since the dawn of time.

Tucker Max Fucks Midgets Like R Kelly Pees on Underage Girls

If there’s one thing this blog is missing its humorous stories about having sex with midgets. Sadly, and I say this with much embarassment, I have no stories of my own to share with you guys and gals. Thankfully, there are other assholes like Tucker Max who have hi-larious stories about fucking midgets little people that they’re
willing to share

Here’s one of my favorite parts:

You see, I have fucked an amputee and a set of twins. If you add in a midget, you are looking at a legendary trifecta. How many other people can say they’ve done that?

Seriously, raise your hand if you even know someone who’s done that. Yeah, some of you have fucked midgets. Some of you have fucked amputees. Some have even fucked a set of twins. But how many can honestly say you have done all three categories?

I’m not going to say that I’m the only guy on earth who has done this, but I would bet you could fit all of us into a Prius.

Don’t hate. Appreciate.