The Best of Cognitive Dissonance: It’s Like Memory Lane, Except With Alcohol and Assholes

“No Matter What You Say; I’m Still The King,. The Storm Is Coming, The Storming Is Coming In”

Wow…it’s certainly has been awhile since I’ve posted here regularly. As I’m sure you’ve already noticed, I’ve made a few changes to the blog. The most noticeable of them being the new layout and color scheme. As much as I loved the dark and brooding black/orange halloween colors of the previous template, I decided to go with something a bit sleeker and more professional looking.

Anyways, for those new readers finding their way to my blog for the first time I’ve decided to use this (re)introductory post to highlight some of the most popular blog entries I’ve written. For my always loyal readers who have been following me throughout the years, consider this a stroll down memory lane. A Cognitive Dissonance “Hall of Fame” if you will. I’m leaving out the political stuff because I doubt anyone wants to read that. Here you go:

My Conversations Are Way Funnier Than Yours

Transitive Property Is A Bitch

Fire Ants and Unprotected Sex

Race Relations and Turkey Basters 

The Stripper on My Couch

Lewd Pictures and The Sheer Awesomeness of The Random

Sometimes I Say Inappropriate Things

Sometimes I Say Inappropriate Things Part II

Sex, Drugs, and… Crudeness

Your Mother Hates You -The Twitter Version

How To Be an Asshole Like Me

Apparently I’m Kind of An Asshole

Remember That Time I Almost Got Kicked Out of A Focus Group?

Or The Time I Almost Got Banned From My Logic Class And Didn’t Graduate from College

My DIY Guide To Picking Up Girls Online

25 Interesting And Funny But True Facts About Me

Apparently I was an Asshole Even In 6th Grade

A Random Collection of Funny Internet Shit

WoW WhAt a L0s3r … The World of Warcraft freakout (Video)

The Micro Economics of The Pimp Hand

Woman Starts Fight Over Chicken McNuggets (Video)

The Creepiest Sex Ad Ever?

Those Racist HP Webcams (Video)

What Your Boss Is Saying About You

Girls Are Immature! (Video)

Michael Bay Eating A Bowl of Cereal (Video)

The Star Wars Lego Parody (Eddie Izzard Comedy) (Video)

REJECTED CARTOONS! (A Classic) (Video)

Thought of The Day: January 4th, 2011

Thought of the day: Two people can have a conversation about a subject in which they disagree, without it being an argument. My opinions about apples being the best fruit aren’t necessarily an assault on your right to think oranges are the best. So next time you get  defensive or pissy because someone is “arguing” with you; shut up and grow some thicker skin. Because if you listen, you might realize that someone is trying to share a part of themselves with you.

50 Reasons People Have Sex

Here’s the list our friends on How I Met Your Mother made when they were thinking of the many reasons people have sex:

50 REASONS PEOPLE HAVE SEX

Some of my personal favorites:

8.) Nothing good on TV
37) They have air conditioning and you don’t
40) Called/Texted the wrong person but he/she was willing anyways.
46) It’s getting a little hard

Seriously, read the whole list. Wait, better idea. Read the list with your girlfriend and use it as a reason to have sex! In the mean time here’s a few more I wrote that should be added to the list:

10. Twins!
9. Your girlfriend is crying and you think tears are the best lubricant.
8. Two words: Drunk Lesbian
7. Your ex girlfriend gets really turned on when she reads your blog (Hi Kryztal!)
6. She’s Mormon and she’s willing to let you do dirty things to her
5. Your girlfriend doesn’t want to which, lets be honest, just makes it that much more enjoyable
4. Its punish the wife night at the Gold house and tonight you’re getting anal
3. A feminist is offering you sexual favors in exchange for helping her with her paper
2. Making “How I Met Your Mother” the video with The Douche’s mom
1. Your name is Patrick Foy and you see an attractive road cone.

Quite Possibly The Best Documentary I’ve Ever Seen

This was quite possibly the best documentary i’ve ever seen in my life. Yes, it was that good. But that’s just me and i’m a big fan of schadenfreude. Plus you have to admit it takes balls to go back and interview ex girlfriends who’ve dumped you in the past:

A Complete History of My Sexual Failures Trailer:

Facebook’s Guide to Dating


There are some things guys should always do for girls. END OF STORY.

5. Let her talk, but not too much. If she does, write on a little note card “TALKING CARD,” and give it to her. Immediately snatch it out of her hand.

6. Find out what her favorite flower is & buy them for her randomly, and then light them on fire. A hint: sometimes a single rose crushed underneath your merciless heel speaks more than a dozen thrown off of a bridge.

8. Remember that bit from Family Guy? DIAMONDS: She’ll pretty much have to. Remember that, and also remember that most girls can’t tell real diamonds from fake ones.

18. Pretend to throw her in front of traffic, and then do it for real. This is called the “bait and switch.”

And for Nat :

21. Stupid jokes= a backhand