The Best of Cognitive Dissonance: It’s Like Memory Lane, Except With Alcohol and Assholes

“No Matter What You Say; I’m Still The King,. The Storm Is Coming, The Storming Is Coming In”

Wow…it’s certainly has been awhile since I’ve posted here regularly. As I’m sure you’ve already noticed, I’ve made a few changes to the blog. The most noticeable of them being the new layout and color scheme. As much as I loved the dark and brooding black/orange halloween colors of the previous template, I decided to go with something a bit sleeker and more professional looking.

Anyways, for those new readers finding their way to my blog for the first time I’ve decided to use this (re)introductory post to highlight some of the most popular blog entries I’ve written. For my always loyal readers who have been following me throughout the years, consider this a stroll down memory lane. A Cognitive Dissonance “Hall of Fame” if you will. I’m leaving out the political stuff because I doubt anyone wants to read that. Here you go:

My Conversations Are Way Funnier Than Yours

Transitive Property Is A Bitch

Fire Ants and Unprotected Sex

Race Relations and Turkey Basters 

The Stripper on My Couch

Lewd Pictures and The Sheer Awesomeness of The Random

Sometimes I Say Inappropriate Things

Sometimes I Say Inappropriate Things Part II

Sex, Drugs, and… Crudeness

Your Mother Hates You -The Twitter Version

How To Be an Asshole Like Me

Apparently I’m Kind of An Asshole

Remember That Time I Almost Got Kicked Out of A Focus Group?

Or The Time I Almost Got Banned From My Logic Class And Didn’t Graduate from College

My DIY Guide To Picking Up Girls Online

25 Interesting And Funny But True Facts About Me

Apparently I was an Asshole Even In 6th Grade

A Random Collection of Funny Internet Shit

WoW WhAt a L0s3r … The World of Warcraft freakout (Video)

The Micro Economics of The Pimp Hand

Woman Starts Fight Over Chicken McNuggets (Video)

The Creepiest Sex Ad Ever?

Those Racist HP Webcams (Video)

What Your Boss Is Saying About You

Girls Are Immature! (Video)

Michael Bay Eating A Bowl of Cereal (Video)

The Star Wars Lego Parody (Eddie Izzard Comedy) (Video)

REJECTED CARTOONS! (A Classic) (Video)

Funny AIM Conversations: Fire Ants And Unprotected Sex.

Bet none of you have ever told a girl that certain types of insects are hotter than she is and got away with it. Coming from most people thats an insult. Coming from me that’s just charm.

Laura: WHAT? You don’t like stepping on bugs and yet you stepped on an entire ant hill to flirt with me?Wtf?
Phil: No I stepped on the hill because you didn’t want me to.
Laura: So how does that make you feel? That you sacrificed the lives of ants to get a girl to like you?
Phil: How does it make you feel that it worked?
Laura: Very sad. Oh the lives that were lost. All bc i encouraged it! But also pretty hot at the same time. lol
Phil: Don’t worry, well make it up to them
Laura: Oh damn. I might’ve just gasped. Good thing i’m alone in my bed so no one heard me. I think it’ll make the ants feel better. From their hill in the after life.
Phil: And to be fair…I think we have to let them watch
Laura: Hmmmm… I guess it would only be fair. I can make that sacrifice in self esteem for the ants. After all, they are ants. They cant be hotter than i am, right?
Phil Well they were fire ants…
Laura: Oh, really? Fire ants are hotter than i am?
Phil: Are fire ants hotter than you? Hmmm they bite more. And they like to crawl all over me. They might have the edge right now.
Laura: Oh, but you dont know how much i bite. Nor have i had the chance to be all over you. So i’m telling you, they do not have the edge.
Laura: Sigh. How do you know i’m just a talker? You’re right about their work ethic though. But mine’s pretty good too.
Phil: Wait…did you just conceede ground in the “fire ants are hotter” than you discussion?

*****

Punningpundit: My dad wants g’babies. My sister jessica stopped the conversation cold with “next time I have unprotected sex, I won’t use plan B”.

World_Dictator: is your sister Jessica seeing anybody?

Punningpundit: she says she’s down– assuming you’re willing to impregnate her.

World_Dictator: Well I am black so its not like I have a choice.

Awesome AIM Conversations: THE SEQUEL, THE PREQUEL, THE DISAPPOINTING TRIOLOGY’S END

Katy: “So apparently it picks random pictures of me with stuff in my face. ”
Phil: Good thing you don’t have any pictures from the NPDA after party then…
Katy: If you were here, I’d hit you for that remark. Since you aren’t, I’ll play along and say: Phil, you know facebook prohibits those kinds of photos. Ha, ha.
Phil: If I were there and you hit me I’d say “ohhh kinky.” But since you aren’t I’ll play along and say: Katy, facebook might prohibit those photo’s but my personal collection does not.

****

Chad: the best stuff was when he was in love with a girl you’ve already banged
Chad that gave an extra tense awesomeness to it
Chad: touchy subject?
Phil: haha
Phil: hell no
Phil: remember, i was the one that exposed that to most of the facebook world
Chad: about to say – i didn’t think you had feelings
Phil: i dont have feelings…where my feelings are supposed to be is just extra awesome

****

Chad: i read some of your blog today – most of it reviled me…but i kept on reading. the sign of a great author
Phil: thanks
Phil: i go for that disturbing yet addicting aspect

****

Phil: *grabs boob*
Steph: gross
Phil: THEY WERE ON FIRE
Phil: IS A THANK YOU TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!?
Steph: shut up
Phil: psh
Phil: last time i stop you from errupting in a glorious blaze
Phil: so how was your day?

 

****

And for Matt and Foy

Kryztal: its apple
Phil: you have a macbook
Phil: i find you infinitely more attractive