Asshole: Live blogging in Real Time

I’m in a bad mood so i’ve decided to liveblog me being an asshole. Yeah, fucking revolutionary huh?

6:31 pm. Changed my facebook status to “Phillip Allen just de-friended Don Bailey on facebook. Only REAL, rappers are allowed to on my wall son

6:41 pm: Vernon Davis has his own diet? Maybe he should come up with his own learn how to catch the fucking football book next?

6:47 pm: Probably the gayest thing I’ve heard all day. SCary’s facebook status: “just has to brag a little bit more. Guess who got a first edition of “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” by Julia Child for Christmas? THIS GUY!!”

6:50pm- An Aim Conversation

Mr. Awesome: so when you get pregnant are you going to stop wearing shoes?
Hannah0913: i barely wear shoes as it is. Only when in public
Mr. Awesome: damn right
Hannah0913:shoes are for people who go do things. i stay at home
Mr. Awesome:…that was dare I say facebookable
Hannah0913: whatever
Mr. Awesome: that was a compliment!
Hannah0913: must be a slow week for yo u
Mr. Awesome: you just dont like talking to me unless im putting you down and insulting your boobs
typical woman
Mr. Awesome: IM NOT A PIECE OF MEAT THAT YOU CAN USE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT
Hannah0913: Now  have to go home and ask my husband if my boobs are saggy to help build my self esteem

7:15 pm: Phillip has added “being an asshole on facebook to his interests”

7:55pm: Facebook status- “LS realizes his limitations”- My reply “PA realized your limitations ALONG time ago…”

My Life According To UnderOath

I usually ignore these random facebook “games” but this one seemed kind of interesting. Since I’m in an Underoath kind of mood I decided to use their song titles. I’ve hyper linked my anwsers to the lyircs of each song. Click on them; you might find something you like. Enjoy!

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 12 (or a million) people you like. You can’t use the band I used. Do not repeat a song title. It’s a lot harder than you think! Repost as “My Life According to (BAND NAME)”

Pick Your Artist: Underoath

Are you a male or female?

A Boy Brushed Red … Living In Black And White

Describe yourself:

Young and Aspiring

How do you feel:

I Don’t Feel Very Receptive Today

Describe where you currently live:

The Created Void

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:

A Moment Suspended In Time

Your favorite form of transportation:

Moving For The Sake Of Motion

Your best friend is:

Everyone Looks So Good From Here

What’s the weather like:

Short Of Day Break

Favorite time of day:

When The Sun Sleeps

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called:

In Regards To Myself

What is life to you:

Breathing In A New Mentality

Your relationships:

Anyone Can Dig A Hole But It Takes A Real Man To Call It Home

Your fear:

Casting Such A Thin Shadow

What is the best advice you have to give:

It’s Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door

If you could change your name, you would change it to:

Burden In Your Hands

My soul’s present condition:

Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape

My motto:

I Got 10 Friends And A Crowbar That Says You Aint Gonna Do Jack

Awesome AIM Conversations: THE SEQUEL, THE PREQUEL, THE DISAPPOINTING TRIOLOGY’S END

Katy: “So apparently it picks random pictures of me with stuff in my face. ”
Phil: Good thing you don’t have any pictures from the NPDA after party then…
Katy: If you were here, I’d hit you for that remark. Since you aren’t, I’ll play along and say: Phil, you know facebook prohibits those kinds of photos. Ha, ha.
Phil: If I were there and you hit me I’d say “ohhh kinky.” But since you aren’t I’ll play along and say: Katy, facebook might prohibit those photo’s but my personal collection does not.

****

Chad: the best stuff was when he was in love with a girl you’ve already banged
Chad that gave an extra tense awesomeness to it
Chad: touchy subject?
Phil: haha
Phil: hell no
Phil: remember, i was the one that exposed that to most of the facebook world
Chad: about to say – i didn’t think you had feelings
Phil: i dont have feelings…where my feelings are supposed to be is just extra awesome

****

Chad: i read some of your blog today – most of it reviled me…but i kept on reading. the sign of a great author
Phil: thanks
Phil: i go for that disturbing yet addicting aspect

****

Phil: *grabs boob*
Steph: gross
Phil: THEY WERE ON FIRE
Phil: IS A THANK YOU TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!?
Steph: shut up
Phil: psh
Phil: last time i stop you from errupting in a glorious blaze
Phil: so how was your day?

 

****

And for Matt and Foy

Kryztal: its apple
Phil: you have a macbook
Phil: i find you infinitely more attractive

I’m Right; You’re Wrong: A Debate About The Obama Budget

I was feeling sick the other day so I went to the doctor. $10,000 in medical fees later, he told me I should get into more random arguments with people I don’t know. Lo and behold, I happened to get into an argument with some guy on one of the notes my friend posted on Facebook. Since I know you all love it when I break my rhetorical foot off in someone’s ass I’ve decided to post it to facebook. And hey, what better way to get a feel for the looming deficit discussion than to read me argue about it.

More below the fold…

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25 Random Awesome Phil Facts

Brought to you by your favorite Facebook Note:

1. I have a blog that I write on regularly. Why? Because I feel that my awesomeness should be shared with the world. No need to say thank you.

thechairman66.wordpress.com

2. I’ve never been in love. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like. But realistically I have a hard time imagining myself being “in love”.

3. I once gave a persuasive speech about repealing the 19th amendment. It was well received by everyone in the class…except the women. They didn’t seem to find it very funny.

4. I’m a huge Cleveland Indians fan even though I’ve never been to Cleveland. I’m also a huge Raiders fan even though I’ve never been to Oakland.

5. I hate strip clubs but love strippers. Is it bad that I find them really interesting? Also,
before you jump to any conclusions I’ve never given money to a stripper in my life. Except when I bought my friend, a girl, a lap dance, of course. That doesn’t count though since I have a responsibility as a guy to promote girl on girl action any chance I can.

6. During the 2006 midterm election I worked for a Republican. Two of them. And they won.

7. I read about 22 different newspapers, magazines, and blogs every day. I used to read more but I’ve cut back.

8. I get bored really easily. Especially with people. I describe it as people ADD.On that point being bored is probably the worst feeling in the world aside from being poor.

9. I hate making small talk. I hate it … So So So…very much… I hate it so much that I try to avoid all situations that require it.

10. I kick ass at Wheel of Fortune. Seriously, play me sometime. I own.
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A Facebook Status Worth Killing For?

Is it bad that my first thought after reading this was “Well at least they’re using Facebook.” ?

But seriously bro man…murder? That’s pretty harsh dude. Its not like she blocked you or anything. I mean what kind of petty jackass would do a thing like that?

And if you’d been reading my blog, ASSHOLE, you’d know that if you are going to kill someone you should restrict it to vegetarians, communists, and people who buy Spice Girls CD’s.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t support murder, just maximizing your returns. (I’m a capitalist through thick and thin!)

But what really bugs me is the shame that you’ve brought to the facebook community. I might expect this kind of behavior from a 14 year old asian girl, aka a myspace user, but choosing facebook over myspace signals to the world that you’re of a higher class of people.

I only hope that in addition to the life time sentence you’re likely to receive, the court kicks you off facebook and creates a myspace profile for you. I’ll even throw in a pair of ovaries and a Xanga blog while they’re at it. That way you can blog about getting banged in the ass by your cell mate Bubba.

Why?

Because the moral of this story is that PEOPLE WHO DON’T READ MY BLOG EVENTUALLY GET BANGED IN THE ASS.

in addition to a select few girls who do read it. (Hi Rachel!)