My Conversations Are (Still) Way Funnier Than Yours

This is what happens when you ask your ex girlfriend to be your wingman




I feel like a simple no would have sufficed, haha.

Not sure if I posted this one before but here it is anyways:


And for the finale:



New Poll: How Should You Feel About an Ex Becoming Significantly Less Attractive After You Break Up?

The Poll’s on the side, at the bottom. I’ll move it up higher when i get a bit of free time.

Leave remarks in the comment section below

And yes, my blog can do polls too. What can’t it do?

50 Reasons People Have Sex

Here’s the list our friends on How I Met Your Mother made when they were thinking of the many reasons people have sex:


Some of my personal favorites:

8.) Nothing good on TV
37) They have air conditioning and you don’t
40) Called/Texted the wrong person but he/she was willing anyways.
46) It’s getting a little hard

Seriously, read the whole list. Wait, better idea. Read the list with your girlfriend and use it as a reason to have sex! In the mean time here’s a few more I wrote that should be added to the list:

10. Twins!
9. Your girlfriend is crying and you think tears are the best lubricant.
8. Two words: Drunk Lesbian
7. Your ex girlfriend gets really turned on when she reads your blog (Hi Kryztal!)
6. She’s Mormon and she’s willing to let you do dirty things to her
5. Your girlfriend doesn’t want to which, lets be honest, just makes it that much more enjoyable
4. Its punish the wife night at the Gold house and tonight you’re getting anal
3. A feminist is offering you sexual favors in exchange for helping her with her paper
2. Making “How I Met Your Mother” the video with The Douche’s mom
1. Your name is Patrick Foy and you see an attractive road cone.

Quite Possibly The Best Documentary I’ve Ever Seen

This was quite possibly the best documentary i’ve ever seen in my life. Yes, it was that good. But that’s just me and i’m a big fan of schadenfreude. Plus you have to admit it takes balls to go back and interview ex girlfriends who’ve dumped you in the past:

A Complete History of My Sexual Failures Trailer:

25 Random Awesome Phil Facts

Brought to you by your favorite Facebook Note:

1. I have a blog that I write on regularly. Why? Because I feel that my awesomeness should be shared with the world. No need to say thank you.

2. I’ve never been in love. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like. But realistically I have a hard time imagining myself being “in love”.

3. I once gave a persuasive speech about repealing the 19th amendment. It was well received by everyone in the class…except the women. They didn’t seem to find it very funny.

4. I’m a huge Cleveland Indians fan even though I’ve never been to Cleveland. I’m also a huge Raiders fan even though I’ve never been to Oakland.

5. I hate strip clubs but love strippers. Is it bad that I find them really interesting? Also,
before you jump to any conclusions I’ve never given money to a stripper in my life. Except when I bought my friend, a girl, a lap dance, of course. That doesn’t count though since I have a responsibility as a guy to promote girl on girl action any chance I can.

6. During the 2006 midterm election I worked for a Republican. Two of them. And they won.

7. I read about 22 different newspapers, magazines, and blogs every day. I used to read more but I’ve cut back.

8. I get bored really easily. Especially with people. I describe it as people ADD.On that point being bored is probably the worst feeling in the world aside from being poor.

9. I hate making small talk. I hate it … So So So…very much… I hate it so much that I try to avoid all situations that require it.

10. I kick ass at Wheel of Fortune. Seriously, play me sometime. I own.
Continue reading

A Facebook Status Worth Killing For?

Is it bad that my first thought after reading this was “Well at least they’re using Facebook.” ?

But seriously bro man…murder? That’s pretty harsh dude. Its not like she blocked you or anything. I mean what kind of petty jackass would do a thing like that?

And if you’d been reading my blog, ASSHOLE, you’d know that if you are going to kill someone you should restrict it to vegetarians, communists, and people who buy Spice Girls CD’s.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t support murder, just maximizing your returns. (I’m a capitalist through thick and thin!)

But what really bugs me is the shame that you’ve brought to the facebook community. I might expect this kind of behavior from a 14 year old asian girl, aka a myspace user, but choosing facebook over myspace signals to the world that you’re of a higher class of people.

I only hope that in addition to the life time sentence you’re likely to receive, the court kicks you off facebook and creates a myspace profile for you. I’ll even throw in a pair of ovaries and a Xanga blog while they’re at it. That way you can blog about getting banged in the ass by your cell mate Bubba.


Because the moral of this story is that PEOPLE WHO DON’T READ MY BLOG EVENTUALLY GET BANGED IN THE ASS.

in addition to a select few girls who do read it. (Hi Rachel!)

How To Start an AIM Conversation

So apparently there are hundreds of people who flock to my blog looking for advice on how to start an AIM conversation. Jack’s sense of Flattery meet Jack’s sense of HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON INSTANT MESSENGER?!?!

(Hint: Type the words “hey”. Hit enter. Wait for Reply)

But fortunately for my social inept readers, I’m a firm believer of supply and demand. (God bless capitalism and all the little kids you put to work in the mines)

After followng a few of “Daddy Phil’s” pointers for busting a mac on girls, because really, who else is worth talking to online, you’ll be having enough fun for you, me, and Mr. McGee. And if you’re a pimp, Mrs. McGee.

So get ready to open up your knowledge baskets kiddos because I’m about to drop some on you.


Women always say they want a guy who is up front and honest. (Haha, honesty. That’s funny. Women are silly little things aren’t they?) Teach the female sex the truth about honesty with this little line I call the “Direct Approach”.

You: Hi. Do you have daddy issues?
Her: umm, no.
You: Okay, goodbye

Three words. Waste.Of.Time

This one’s a two-fer.

First part: One of the biggest problems guys have with women is that many of them are actually quite boring. Ladies, your boobs are not a replacement for good conversation. Unless of course the conversation is about your boobs in which case I’m very interested in what you have to say.

Second part: If there’s two things women love, its a guy who’s A. Intellegent and well read and B. Listens to and values their opinion. A+B=C, where C = Getting laid.

See if this adds up in a move I like to call “The Pivot”

You: Hey what’s up
Her: Nothing much, you?
You: Just reading this article “Face or Mouth: A woman’s perspective”. What are your thoughts?

In one fell swoop you can come across as well read, ask a girl her opinion, and pivot the conversation to something actually worth discussing.

You might laugh but I’ve personally used this line many times. If you’re lucky enough you might even hear the nine most beautiful words in the english language. “As long as it doesn’t get in my hair.”

Let’s face it guys. Girls love a caring guy who can empthaze with their problems. Unfortunately for us, most guys only feel empathy when their buddy gets kicked in the nuts and only care if the Broncos cover the spread.

Show the ladies your thoughtful and caring side by using a little move I call “Operation My Penis in Your Vagina.” (Yeah I know..I ran out of funny names)

You: I’m going to let the science speak for itself.
You: So what time should I come over (Haha, puns get me laid)

So go on wankers. Go get some online ass. Just make sure she’s over 18. You’ll thank me when you’re not getting pounded in the ass by Bruno.