The Best of Cognitive Dissonance: It’s Like Memory Lane, Except With Alcohol and Assholes

“No Matter What You Say; I’m Still The King,. The Storm Is Coming, The Storming Is Coming In”

Wow…it’s certainly has been awhile since I’ve posted here regularly. As I’m sure you’ve already noticed, I’ve made a few changes to the blog. The most noticeable of them being the new layout and color scheme. As much as I loved the dark and brooding black/orange halloween colors of the previous template, I decided to go with something a bit sleeker and more professional looking.

Anyways, for those new readers finding their way to my blog for the first time I’ve decided to use this (re)introductory post to highlight some of the most popular blog entries I’ve written. For my always loyal readers who have been following me throughout the years, consider this a stroll down memory lane. A Cognitive Dissonance “Hall of Fame” if you will. I’m leaving out the political stuff because I doubt anyone wants to read that. Here you go:

My Conversations Are Way Funnier Than Yours

Transitive Property Is A Bitch

Fire Ants and Unprotected Sex

Race Relations and Turkey Basters 

The Stripper on My Couch

Lewd Pictures and The Sheer Awesomeness of The Random

Sometimes I Say Inappropriate Things

Sometimes I Say Inappropriate Things Part II

Sex, Drugs, and… Crudeness

Your Mother Hates You -The Twitter Version

How To Be an Asshole Like Me

Apparently I’m Kind of An Asshole

Remember That Time I Almost Got Kicked Out of A Focus Group?

Or The Time I Almost Got Banned From My Logic Class And Didn’t Graduate from College

My DIY Guide To Picking Up Girls Online

25 Interesting And Funny But True Facts About Me

Apparently I was an Asshole Even In 6th Grade

A Random Collection of Funny Internet Shit

WoW WhAt a L0s3r … The World of Warcraft freakout (Video)

The Micro Economics of The Pimp Hand

Woman Starts Fight Over Chicken McNuggets (Video)

The Creepiest Sex Ad Ever?

Those Racist HP Webcams (Video)

What Your Boss Is Saying About You

Girls Are Immature! (Video)

Michael Bay Eating A Bowl of Cereal (Video)

The Star Wars Lego Parody (Eddie Izzard Comedy) (Video)

REJECTED CARTOONS! (A Classic) (Video)

AIM Conversations: Sometimes I Say Inappropriate Things

Phil: im surprised you didnt respond with a quip about how tight your vagina is
Hannah: i don’t mind discussing other people’s, but mine is off limits
Phil: talk of your supple breast are okay but the vagina is where you cross the line?
Hannah: i never said that they were, i just said they werent old and saggy.
Phil: and FYI you said you have good boob genes
Hannah: ok, i did.
Hannah: but that is a fact.
Phil: but your tight vagina isn’t a fact?

****

Phil: YOU LOVE THAT CAT MORE THAN ME
Steph: No I hate you both
Phil: True, but the cat’s never been inside you
Phil: …right?
Steph: Neither have you
Phil: Excuse me…a game of just the tip counts thank you very much.

****

Phil: I love tequila. It makes women take their clothes off
Rachael: Not always
Phil: Oh my fault. I must be confusing tequila with my mad game.

****

Phil: I blogged about slamming you on facebook
Hannah: I did read that btw. That sir was very mean
Hannah: my boobs definetely do not sag
Hannah: I have good boob genes…my mom’s boobs were still perky when she died at 43
Phil: This is so going on my blog
Hannah: oh god

****

Phil: Alcohol is a mans best friend
Hannah: It really is
Hannah: When i think of the good fortune that some guys had of sleeping with me when I was retardely drunk…
Phil: haha
Hannah: its true, i’m much better when I’m drunk
Phil: blogging this…
Hannah: Goddamn it!

A Facebook Status Worth Killing For?

Is it bad that my first thought after reading this was “Well at least they’re using Facebook.” ?

But seriously bro man…murder? That’s pretty harsh dude. Its not like she blocked you or anything. I mean what kind of petty jackass would do a thing like that?

And if you’d been reading my blog, ASSHOLE, you’d know that if you are going to kill someone you should restrict it to vegetarians, communists, and people who buy Spice Girls CD’s.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t support murder, just maximizing your returns. (I’m a capitalist through thick and thin!)

But what really bugs me is the shame that you’ve brought to the facebook community. I might expect this kind of behavior from a 14 year old asian girl, aka a myspace user, but choosing facebook over myspace signals to the world that you’re of a higher class of people.

I only hope that in addition to the life time sentence you’re likely to receive, the court kicks you off facebook and creates a myspace profile for you. I’ll even throw in a pair of ovaries and a Xanga blog while they’re at it. That way you can blog about getting banged in the ass by your cell mate Bubba.

Why?

Because the moral of this story is that PEOPLE WHO DON’T READ MY BLOG EVENTUALLY GET BANGED IN THE ASS.

in addition to a select few girls who do read it. (Hi Rachel!)

This Buddy of Mine…

Gotta support awesome wordpress blogs when I find them.

This Buddy of Mine” is a website where people submit humorous stories about “a buddy” in hopes of getting their story published and winning a cash reward. Sure the cash is nice, but the glory of having your story published on a wordpress blog is the end all be all.

Here’s my favorite so far:

This buddy of mine grew up in Indianapolis where you can find a White Castle on every corner. When he became an adult, his job required that he move to another part of the country. For him, the saddest part of leaving Indy was that there wasn’t a White Castle within 150 miles.

Another requirement of his job was that he make business trips on a monthly basis. He looked forward to these trips because they put him within driving distance of those glorious sliders. And people, they’re called sliders for a reason. Those bitches slide right through any normal digestive track.

My buddy’s routine was to stop at the restaurant, order a case of burgers and immediately put it in the back of his car where he couldn’t reach it. When he got home, he’d heat up a couple and put the rest in the fridge where he could snack on them throughout the week.

Well, on the day in question, he made the mistake of putting the box of food on his front seat. The aroma finally got the better of him and he could stand it no longer. He dove into the box, eating no less than 10 of the little burgers. As he reached for one final sandwich, his stomach rumbled and he knew he was in deep shit… literally.

Not being within 30 miles of a bathroom, he did the only thing he could think of. He pulled over, raised his trunk lid, grabbed his emergency roll of toilet paper and headed for a wooded area just off the side of the road. He finished his business, walked back to his car and put the toilet paper back into the trunk. Just as he was shutting the lid, a state trooper pulled up behind him.

The trooper got out of his squad car and asked my buddy what he was doing. Not realizing that it was such a big deal, he explained his situation. He tried to be as humorous as possible but the trooper was in no mood for bullshit… or any sort of shit for that matter. He asked my buddy for his license, registration and proof of insurance and told him to sit inside the car while he went back to his squad car to validate the info and check him for warrants.

At this point, my buddy decides to call me because he thinks the entire situation is so comical. Again, he tells of the tragic events that have unfolded and tells me he’s waiting on the cop to come back with his paperwork. After about 2 minutes he says “Hang on. Here he comes.” He put the phone down on his lap and here’s the conversation I heard:

Cop: Sir, do you realize that defecating on the side of the road is illegal?

Buddy: No, sir. I had no idea.

Cop: Well, it IS a violation of law and therefore I’m issuing you a citation for illegal disposal of hazardous waste.

Buddy: Are you kidding me?!?

Cop: No, sir. I am not kidding. Do you have any idea what would happen if someone happened to trip and fall into the waste?

Buddy: Well sir…….. Then they’d be shitfaced.

Submitted by Text Imps

If Only You Were Funny Like Me: More Funny IM Conversations

Christina: Oh no!
Christina:Nooooooooo!
Phil: ?
Christina: this is catastrophic!
Phil: what?
Christina:MY VIBRATOR BROKE!!!!!!
Phil:hahahaha
Phil: that’s awesome
Christina: oh man
Christina: I’m so devastated
Phil: You should cry. That’d be so hot.

****

Rachael: Hey I was just texting you
Rachael: How do I make a baked potato?
Phil: umm, wash it and put it in the oven.
Rachael good, that’s what I did. I just wanted to see if there was another way.
Rachael I made lunch too
Phil: did you start a fire?
Rachael no
Rachael…well technically yes

****

Sarah: Cheesecake is a lot of work. They’re very fussy
Phil: Like a woman
Sarah: or a guy
Phil:Like a woman
Phil: you just date effeminate guys.
Sarah: touche
Sarah: Jon at least.
Phil: He’s so effeminate you’re practically a lesbian.
Phil: I’m surprised you could find a church to marry you…SINNER!