My Conversations Are Way Funnier Than Yours

Jason: Hey, do black people  do that too? You know, say “oh this white guy I know”.
Phil: Usually we just say “our boss”, and it’s implied.

****

Rachael: soooo when did you wanna meet up again? I think I’m fertil- I mean, free in about 3 weeks….
Phil: I don’t think your mouth can get you pregnant
Rachael: that’s what YOU think… I got cheeks like a chipmunk and a brand new turkey baster in my purse
Phil: … well played, sir.

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Sex, Lies, And Hilarious AIM Conversations

Phil: speaking of the hangover…there is a very very attractive stripper on my couch right now
Steph: you have a couch?
Phil : you’re more surprised that I have a couch in my house than a stripper
Phil why thank you
Phil: that’s going on the blog

****

Steph: i need to save 3000
Steph: for the vera wang mattress
Steph: its like pure luxury
Steph: very like lush
Steph: i want to find it so i can see if it lives up to its description
Phil: these are my exact thoughts about the stripper on my couch

****

Megan: and 2) i cant imagine that your tact would be well suited to a bulimic stripper
Phil: i am just dying for an elaboration on 2)
Megan: haha you know you are an ass
Phil: i know i just like to hear it
Megan: i know you do
Megan: i hate to indulge you
Megan: so how does she not kill herself when you make fun of her?

****

Phil: starbuck is going to be on next season’s 24
Joelle: yes I know!
 Joelle: hot!
Phil: i feel that if i died without banging her a great injustice will have occurred
Phil: i wont go as far as to compare it to the injustice of slavery but its getting closer every day

****

Christina: is it wrong that I’m scrutinizing an “I’m admitting my love for you note” for bad spelling? Does that make me a douche??
Phil: What you should be scrutinizing is his taste in women

My Life Story As Told Through Instant Messaging

So here’s the deal.

A female friend of mine randomly IMed me early tonight to complain about being unable to pick out a swimsuit to wear tomorrow.

Riiiight. Like I’m the person to ask about that kind of stuff. Anyone who’s had more than a five second conversation with me should known that I A) know jack shit about women’s fashion and B) Don’t give a shit about it.But whatever, I’ll help out a friend in need because, I’m just a caring individual like that. ( hahaha… Sorry, even I couldn’t type that with a straight face.)

So I tell her that in all seriousness, there’s no way for me to give her my advice unless shes going to try on each suit and send me a picture. There’s no way she’d go through all that effort right? After all, feigning an attempt to help is the best way to get points for generosity without actually having to do anything. (That tips’ free boys.)

But to my surprise she eagerly agreed to try on each suit for me.

Dammit. Now I actually have to talk about clothing.

Ugh.

Being the optimist that I am, I quickly realize that the silver lining in all this is that I at least get to see a chick in a multiple bikini’s. Resigned to my fate, I eventually convince myself to get excited about this. After all, girls, camera’s, and little to no clothing. That’s the triple crown of a guy’s life.

But of course, all good things must come to an end. As many men reading this already know; women have a sixth sense about the happiness of men. Whenever they sense it, they feel a maternal urge to stop it at all cost.It’s like the Osama Bin Laden of the male -female relationship. Women must destroy it whatever it takes.

That of course lead to this conversation:

LeBron’s Heartthrob: I’m sleepy

Me: dont crap out on me already

Me: we have a bathing suit to pick

Me: and the night is young

LeBron’s Heartthrob: I know lol

LeBron’s Heartthrob: But I’m pooped

Me: better hurry and get this done

LeBron’s Heartthrob: I’m in bedddd

Me: excuses excuses

LeBron’s Heartthrob: yep

LeBron’s Heartthrob: Good thing I do what I want

So before we even start…before a single bikini picture is exchanged she suddenly decides that she’s “too tired”? Fuck, that noise.

Look, I know that she’s been feeling down lately because the same boy that cheats on her cheated on her for the umpteenth time. I understand that girls are “delicate flowers” that need to be handle with the utmost care, but seriously. Don’t beg for my help about women’s fashion, get me excited about the prospect of scantly clad women and then change your mind because you, the person who typically stays up till 4am, is mysteriously tired at only 10pm.

Me:  Doing what you want, also known as crying and feeling sorry for yourself

LeBron’s Heartthrob: You really are an asshole

LeBron’s Heartthrob: There is absolutely nothing good that can come from a statement like that

LeBron’s Heartthrob: Good night

AIM Message: LeBron’s Heartthrob is offline

I’m the asshole? I think clearly, I am the victim here.

I AM AWESOME. YOU ARE NOT: More Funny AIM Convo’s

kissmeonmy4head: just got back from dropping my car off at the mechanics
x100bulletsx: and the verdict is?
kissmeonmy4head: dont know yet
kissmeonmy4head: he is going to look at in the morning
x100bulletsx: i’d bet you money that its going to be expensive
x100bulletsx: but thats just be salt on the wound of irony

x100bulletsx: DID YOU SEE HER O FACE?
x100bulletsx: or at least her fake O face
x100bulletsx: 😉
TheDouche: i couldn’t tell, it was covered in reproductive fluid
x100bulletsx: haha
x100bulletsx: *round of applause*
x100bulletsx: you might even say its a standing Ovation

kissmeonmy4head: what about popeyes they are having some special tomorrow
x100bulletsx: what is it?
kissmeonmy4head: eff if i know
kissmeonmy4head: i just half watched a commercial
x100bulletsx: and you thought youd tell the first black man you talked to
x100bulletsx: if i had never stuck a finger inside you, i’d think you were a racist

AIM Conversations: Sometimes I Say Inappropriate Things

Phil: im surprised you didnt respond with a quip about how tight your vagina is
Hannah: i don’t mind discussing other people’s, but mine is off limits
Phil: talk of your supple breast are okay but the vagina is where you cross the line?
Hannah: i never said that they were, i just said they werent old and saggy.
Phil: and FYI you said you have good boob genes
Hannah: ok, i did.
Hannah: but that is a fact.
Phil: but your tight vagina isn’t a fact?

****

Phil: YOU LOVE THAT CAT MORE THAN ME
Steph: No I hate you both
Phil: True, but the cat’s never been inside you
Phil: …right?
Steph: Neither have you
Phil: Excuse me…a game of just the tip counts thank you very much.

****

Phil: I love tequila. It makes women take their clothes off
Rachael: Not always
Phil: Oh my fault. I must be confusing tequila with my mad game.

****

Phil: I blogged about slamming you on facebook
Hannah: I did read that btw. That sir was very mean
Hannah: my boobs definetely do not sag
Hannah: I have good boob genes…my mom’s boobs were still perky when she died at 43
Phil: This is so going on my blog
Hannah: oh god

****

Phil: Alcohol is a mans best friend
Hannah: It really is
Hannah: When i think of the good fortune that some guys had of sleeping with me when I was retardely drunk…
Phil: haha
Hannah: its true, i’m much better when I’m drunk
Phil: blogging this…
Hannah: Goddamn it!

Social Networking: Providing Opprotunities For Inappropriate Humor 24/7

If you’re not a twitter follower or my friend on facebook, you’re missing out. Here’s a sample of what’s behind Door #1:

World_dictator:

Things that are pissing me off at the moment: non British people who use bloody as a cuss word. IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU LOOK COOL JACKASS.

ThePopeHatesYou:

I always forget I have a monogramed pimp chalice from which to drink.

ThePopeHatesYou:

Jesus Christ I’m in a good mood for some reason. Am I still drunk?

A conversation via Facebook status:

“Me: I hate Vegetarians, so very very much. Oh so very much.

Justin: Yeah I hate vegetarians too. “Ohh look at me. I don’t eat meat. My pee is clear!”

Hannah: I’m sure vegetarians hate you too.

Me: Good thing I don’t have to worry about you hating me. We all know how much you love the meat.

Hannah: your mother hates you.

Me: its okay. If I need the love of an older woman with wrinkles and saggy boobs, you’re here.

Hannah: you’re dead to me.”

My game has gone global bitches.

How To Start an AIM Conversation

So apparently there are hundreds of people who flock to my blog looking for advice on how to start an AIM conversation. Jack’s sense of Flattery meet Jack’s sense of HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON INSTANT MESSENGER?!?!

(Hint: Type the words “hey”. Hit enter. Wait for Reply)

But fortunately for my social inept readers, I’m a firm believer of supply and demand. (God bless capitalism and all the little kids you put to work in the mines)

After followng a few of “Daddy Phil’s” pointers for busting a mac on girls, because really, who else is worth talking to online, you’ll be having enough fun for you, me, and Mr. McGee. And if you’re a pimp, Mrs. McGee.

So get ready to open up your knowledge baskets kiddos because I’m about to drop some on you.

THE MOVES

Women always say they want a guy who is up front and honest. (Haha, honesty. That’s funny. Women are silly little things aren’t they?) Teach the female sex the truth about honesty with this little line I call the “Direct Approach”.

You: Hi. Do you have daddy issues?
Her: umm, no.
You: Okay, goodbye

Three words. Waste.Of.Time

This one’s a two-fer.

First part: One of the biggest problems guys have with women is that many of them are actually quite boring. Ladies, your boobs are not a replacement for good conversation. Unless of course the conversation is about your boobs in which case I’m very interested in what you have to say.

Second part: If there’s two things women love, its a guy who’s A. Intellegent and well read and B. Listens to and values their opinion. A+B=C, where C = Getting laid.

See if this adds up in a move I like to call “The Pivot”

You: Hey what’s up
Her: Nothing much, you?
You: Just reading this article “Face or Mouth: A woman’s perspective”. What are your thoughts?

In one fell swoop you can come across as well read, ask a girl her opinion, and pivot the conversation to something actually worth discussing.

You might laugh but I’ve personally used this line many times. If you’re lucky enough you might even hear the nine most beautiful words in the english language. “As long as it doesn’t get in my hair.”

Let’s face it guys. Girls love a caring guy who can empthaze with their problems. Unfortunately for us, most guys only feel empathy when their buddy gets kicked in the nuts and only care if the Broncos cover the spread.

Show the ladies your thoughtful and caring side by using a little move I call “Operation My Penis in Your Vagina.” (Yeah I know..I ran out of funny names)

You: I’m going to let the science speak for itself.
You: So what time should I come over (Haha, puns get me laid)

So go on wankers. Go get some online ass. Just make sure she’s over 18. You’ll thank me when you’re not getting pounded in the ass by Bruno.