My Thoughts: How To Know You’re A Douche

1. Attention random guy I just met today. Don’t come up to me while I’m standing in line and start telling me how much you need pussy.

I.

DON’T.

HAVE.

ONE.

And really that’s just kind of gay.

2. If you’re a white guy and you dress like a Native American, I get to steal your land. Yeah… NOT TOO COOL ANYMORE HUH MOTHERFUCKER?

But in all seriousness, stop telling me about how “we” stole the native american land. “We” didn’t steal shit. YOU stole their land.

And while I admit that there’s a certain humor about a white guy dressed as a Native American telling a black guy about how he stole this land. Its not so much funny “ha ha” as much as its funny “what a fucking retard this guy is.”

3. Hollwood executives.

I don’t really need to add a qualifer to that because hollywood execs are generally douchebags by nature.

Btw. I offically put my foot down. Hollywood isn’t allowed to make any more direct to dvd sequels, that have none of the original stars or characters, in it. Starship troopers 2 was bad, Cruel Intentions 2 was a crime, but a Without A Paddle two is just a hate crime.

4. If you shoot someone on Christmas; you’re a dick. You’re a dick for shooting someone period but on Christmas? Realllllly? How mad do you have to be to hear the words “Merry Christmas” and think “Ima bout 2 equalize this mothafucka”?

5. If you’re such a huge Brad Pitt fan that you shoot someone for talking during one of his movies, you’re a douche.

I appreciate the enthusiasm, but don’t be wasteful. Every bullet you use on some random guy is a bullet you’re not using on Michael Bay or the people who made that Max Payne movie. Of course I’m not telling you to shoot anyone, I’m just saying, priorities man priorities.

6. If you consider yourself a Yankees fan, you’re a douche. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A YANKEES FAN.

7. If your girlfriend convinces her hot big breasted best friend to have a threesome with you and you say no, then you are a …you know you’re not even worth my words.

PS I HATE YOU. I HOPE YOU GET CANCER AND I HOPE YOU DIE.

(Yes this is a true story)

8. If you think Ironman is a better movie than the Dark Knight…

…I’m not even going to dignify this one with a response.

Needless to say, you’re a douche.

9. If you think In and Out is bad and/or overrated, I hate you and find you to be stupid.

10. If you’re a vegetarian, you’re a douche . Yes, I know that’s a sweeping statement but I stand by it. Animals aren’t people but they do eat people. Its only fair that we return the favor.

Besides, we wouldn’t want the wild life of the jungle to get uppity would we? Eating meat tells animals to know their place in life. (Hint: its in my stomach) Look, if God didn’t want us to eat meat animals wouldn’t taste so good. Look at Broccoli…taste like ass…not supposed to eat it.

You say animals are sentient beings; I say sentience tastes like chicken.

You say eating meat is unsustainable. I say when we run out of animals I’ll start eating vegetarians.

You say we should all become vegans; I say take a shower hippie.

Look, I have no problem advocating for more humane treat of animals or cutting down on my meat intake, but Vegetarians need to start making food that doesn’t suck. Until you do pass me the meat platter with the extra meat on the side.

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