1. There is no debate. Die Hard is the best Christmas movie ever. The second best Christmas movie? Die Hard 2. End of discussion.
CORRECTION: in all fairness Rocky IV should probably take the #2 spot behind the original Die Hard movie. Dolph Lundgrin was money as Ivan Drago.
2. Christmas proves that racism in America is alive and well. White guy comes down your chimney, breaks into your house, and eats your food he’s a holiday hero. Black guy comes down your chimney, breaks into your house and eats your food you call the cops.
3. There is only one appropriate holiday greeting during Christmas and that’s “Merry fucking Christmas.” If you say “happy holidays” I’ll stab you in the jaw with a shank made from a candy cane.
4. Its time to be honest with yourself. Egg nog sucks. You know its the truth, just admit it.
5. Hanukkah = Eight days. Kwanzaa = Seven days…Minorities- 2, The White Man- 0
6. Girls, give your man the gift every little boy wants. A tricycle.
7. PS. Guys, If you didn’t understand. #6 you’re gay. Both literally and pejoratively.
8. If you call it “American football” post your home address in the comments section so I can come over and kick your ass.
…That doesn’t really have anything to do with Christmas, but its worth saying nonetheless.
9. Do people actually eat fruit cake? I mean really. I don’t know a single person that’s ever had fruit cake. More importantly, why would you ever ruin a cake by putting fruit in it?
10. The most attractive part of a Christmas cap? The back of it. Giggity