Life Lessons Learned Vol I: Relationships

I had an usual talk with Steph last night. As many of you know I don’t talk about my personal life in detail very often. It’s not that I’m closed off to people, I just choose to invest my time and share my personal life with people who have a real interest in me. But thats a story for another blog entry.

Anywho, I was talking to Steph about about our relationships past and present and it got me thinking about my post relationship “friendship” with Nat. For the longest time I’ve wondered why I was so mad at her even though I broke up with her. Last night I think I figured it out.

I’m still mad at her for the way our relationship crumbled. Typically I’d agree that when a relationship fails its neither party’s fault. I more or less believe that with our relationship, though I always feel responsible when relationships end, but again a story for another blog entry. However, I do think there are certain things that significant others should not do to one another. For example, you shouldn’t spread false information about your boyfriend nor should you publicize private relationship issues with all of your friends. Particularly when your significant other explicitly stated a desire for privacy when you first started dating. Relationships are like teams, and you can’t expect to win when you sabotage your own teammate.

But nobody’s perfect, people make mistakes. Sometimes they even make mistakes over and over again. The important thing is that people apologize for the things they do and try to address the problem. But you know what, you have to show remorse before you recieve forgiveness. More importantly, you need to show that you care.

When you violate the trust of your significant other you violate not only the relationship but also the friendship the relationship is based on. I don’t see why I should be friends with someone who didn’t seem to care much for our friendship when it should have been most important to them. In an ideal world two people would be able to sit down and talk through their problems. However, the ideal world doesn’t usually occur in relationships.

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2 thoughts on “Life Lessons Learned Vol I: Relationships

  1. Hi, I stumbled upon your blog because of your most recent post regarding Ryan Goslings ungodly talent for making bad movies. You are correct; he is a no talent hack. 🙂
    However, I feel as though I have much more to say regarding relationships than I do about his crappy movies.
    I agree that there is a significant difference between a relationship simply falling apart (or crumbling as you say) and a relationship failing because of sabotage by one of the parties. However, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a relationship that actually fell apart. It seems like it happens all the time. Two people like each other, get along, etc. but it’s not quite right so they go their separate ways. This would be the perfect way for a relationship to end if it had to but I don’t think this happens. Ever. I think people are very prone to sabotaging their relationships for one reason or another. There is a difference between sabotaging your relationship purposefully and doing it negligently.
    Take for example my last break up. I had (what I thought was) a pretty good relationship. We lived together and got along really well, we had a lot in common (and the sex was great!) I always felt like we had a real connection and I genuinely cared for him. Of course we had our fights now and then but nothing serious. Everything was great until one day when everything broke down. We had a fight in which he blamed me for not talking to him enough, not really engaging him in the way that he needed to be intellectually. I blamed him for being distant emotionally. We of course broke up and went our separate ways.
    Our breakup was relatively amicable. We still talk on occasion. So, did this relationship simply fall apart or were each of us silently sabotaging it from the beginning? Really, I think we were both sabotaging it, although we may not have known.
    Now that I look back I feel like I was way too aggressive in my need for emotional comfort. I feel like I forced him to move into my apartment, I forced him to tell me how much he loved me, I forced him to do a lot of things rather than let him go at his own pace. I may not have actually forced him but that’s what I feel like. I’ve never told him this but he would probably agree.
    I smothered him without even realizing it.
    Perhaps in your relationship with Nat, you both had a hand in sabotaging things (although her methods were much more apparent). Do you consider all of your relationships to be built upon the friendship you establish first? Perhaps you put TOO much emphasis on the friendship aspect.
    Just a thought.

  2. I don’t think most relationships are sabotaged, at least in my experience. I also think reasons people break up are generally gray areas. This post isn’t so much an explaination of why we broke up, thats a blog post for another day.

    This post is more of a talk about certain lines people in relationships shouldn’t cross. For example, not cheating on your significant other.

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